Editor's note: Apparently, the ROM of this game I played was a little better than half speed. Still, I think many of my critiques stand.
You asked for it, you (eventually) got it! Another RNGOTM!
You play a guy named Dash Galaxy who, for some reason, is in an alien asylum. You crawl through rooms on different floors of the asylum collecting keys to get out. You have pretty much no offensive weapons. The floors themselves are overhead puzzles where you push blocks out of the way to access individual rooms, which are side-scrollers with enemies that roam back and forth in the same patterns, so it's sort of about timing. You don't have a life bar, you have an oxygen bar. Running, climbing, jumping, these things do not deplete your oxygen supply, but getting bumped by enemies does. So it's basically a life bar. You walk painfully slowly, but after about three or four uninterrupted strides you go from walking to running, which allows you to take a running leap. (A standing jump is much higher, but you travel so very slowly in the air) Also, there are trampolines. If you press the B button, the game tells you that you don't have any bombs. Unless, of course, you happen to have a bomb. Then it just lays the bomb and you can blow crap up. Most useful on the overhead map puzzle screens, I found, but there aren't many bombs, at least not early in the game. Oh, and the select button is awesome. If you press select, you instantly deplete your entire oxygen supply. That's right, select = suicide in this game. How useful is that???
Speaking of useful, Dash's clothes flash different colors. Just 'cause.
The hardest part of Dash Galaxy in the Alien Asylum is neither the puzzles nor the timing element, however. Rather, the greatest challenge Dash has to offer is maintaining your sanity while the soundtrack grates against your very will to live.
Loop these through your head for ten minutes or so.
And now for the spoilers: if you win, you get...
Fireworks and the word "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
Dash Galaxy needs a better agent.