Monday, October 12, 2009

Day Two-Hundred Seventy-Four: B-A-N-A-N-A-S

The following is bizarre. I might not even read it if I were you. You have been warned.


Jorgen Marsters loved bananas. They were easily his favorite fruit. He would buy a bunch of bananas at the grocery store every weekend and eat one banana a day. He never ate more than one; it was simply out of the question.

One day, Jorgen realized that, despite his consistent and relatively rapid banana rate-of-consumption, he was never actually able to finish his bunch of bananas before the last one went bad. "This is no good," Jorgen thought to himself. "A banana is a terrible thing to waste." So he started paying close attention to how many bananas he bought. He realized he'd been buying an average of six bananas a week, so he tried buying five bananas instead. By the fifth day, however, that last banana was soggy and brown. Perplexed, the next week Jorgen bought only four bananas, but four days later the last banana was mushy and unappetizing.

Poor Jorgen! Not only was he still wasting one banana a week, but now he was eating fewer bananas himself! "I know what I will do," Jorgen said aloud one day to nobody in particular. "I will buy a dog. Then, I will feed my dog the last rotten banana, and it will not go to waste."

For a time, it seemed this brilliant plan was a success. Jorgen went back to buying six bananas per week, and after the fifth day, when the last banana went bad, he fed it to his dog, whom he had named Kenny. After a few weeks, however, Kenny decided that he did not like rotten bananas and he refused to eat them anymore. One night, while Jorgen slept, Kenny ran away, and Jorgen went back to his old ways of wasting one banana a week.

Poor Jorgen was getting desperate. He didn't seem to care nearly as much about the wasted banana anymore as he did about the cruel joke Fate seemed to be playing on him. He was now determined to find a way to eat every last banana in the bunch, just to prove that he could do it!

Then, one night while he was tossing and turning in bed, agonizing over his dilemma, Jorgen decided upon his endgame. He went to sleep instantly, smiling, and dreamed of Thomas Edison, Marie Curie, Walt Disney, and Aquaman congratulating him and telling him what a genius he was.

The next morning, Jorgen Marsters drove to the grocery store. He marched defiantly to the produce section and picked out a single yellow banana that was perfect in every way. He carried it proudly to the check-out stand and left the store with nothing but a single banana double-sacked in paper bags. He set the banana by his bed that evening, prepared to partake in the entirety of his one-banana bunch first thing in the morning, before it had had time to spoil. He had resolved to take this same action every day for the rest of his life, to show the Universe that he could thwart its intentions to exasperate him with a little good old-fashioned human ingenuity.

Jorgen died that night.